Toilet… a brother’s concern

Toilet Ek Prem Katha was a movie released in 2017. The movie is a satirical comedy in support of governmental campaigns to improve sanitation conditions in India, with an emphasis on the eradication of open defecation, especially in rural areas. It is sad that in a country like India, we are still having to negotiate and create spaces for toilets inside the household for safety and convenience of family members, especially women. But I am happy to share the story of my own progressive maternal uncle (mama) who ensured, way back in the year 1956, that my mother got married in a family that had toilet at home. The story in this blog is of this Mayankita, my own mother here, and her brother by her side all her life, till we lost him last year.

During COVID times, work from home gave me the opportunity to stay with her at home. At 84, when she forgets the most recent things in life, her crystal-clear memories of her childhood and youth are worth documenting and learning from. Born in 1937, she is the youngest surviving child among six siblings in the family (four brothers and two sisters). Her father had passed away when she was less than 10-year-old. She narrates the struggle of her brothers, especially the second one in the birth order, Naini Gopal Kunwar, who was a recognized genius of his times. He was not only a hardworking student but also a very sensitive son who never shied away from helping his mother at home. Retired as a Joint Director, Public Relations Department in Government of Bihar, he was a progressive man with a vision to create spaces for women around. He demonstrated this in his life by ensuring that his spouse (a matriculate at the time of marriage) completed not just Graduation but also a Masters, a B.Ed and an M.Ed degree after marriage. He was a proud husband of a highly qualified working woman and a perfect homemaker too.

Coming back to the interesting story behind Mayankita’s marriage, I used to wonder why she was married after completing 19 years of age, too late for those days when marriage in early teens was the preferred way even in educated families. The most obvious reason that could come to my mind was dowry or absence of a father in her life. But our recent discussions revealed that one of the reasons behind the delay was “Toilet”. As the youngest of all, she was favourite of all uncles and cousins. There were many marriage proposals that were considered, and some were almost finalized. This Mayankita recalls, “Bhaiya used to visit each of these households himself and ask these families for a permission to use their toilet just to be sure of toilet availability. He had rejected many of these proposals on the ground that they didn’t have toilet at home”.

Search for a household with toilet within premises, was an important factor behind her late marriage in those days. For him, his sister having to go for open defecation, in 1950s, was a big “No”. He had visited my father’s home in his village too and availability of toilet and bathroom in the house was one of the important reasons, besides other factors, for his “Yes”.

Reflections:

Our country is still struggling with access to useable toilets within premises, schools, public places etc. We are having to make movies like Toilet, ek prem katha to talk about the issue. It is still struggling with the issue of sensitivity within families for equal spaces for women, their education, their careers etc. Empowering women alone is not the solution. Its time we engage with our men.. because its only men like Mama, who can make a difference, if change has to be realized. If this one man could ensure safe toilet for his sister 65 years ago; if this one man could ensure highest educational degree for his wife 6 decades ago; if this one man could abolish purdah system at home for his daughter-in-laws, ONE MAN today can do anything that is humanly possible… ONE MAN CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.