‘Thappad’ – Just a slap

In February 2020, while watching the Hindi movie “Thappad”, I got reminded of my friend Mayankita whose life story was not exactly like Amrita, the lead character of this movie, but the life changing moment for her too was “Thappad” (just a slap). Not all stories with episodes of violence in marriage end the way they ended for Mayankita or Amrita. There are many Mayankitas out there who continue to stay in the marriage trying to make them happier, some succeed too. But we’ll reflect on those stories in my next blog.

Her love marriage:

Mayankita met Mayank through a common friend and he, very soon, reached out to Mayankita’s father, proposing a marriage. This was a surprise to the family but a very easy solution to any father’s struggle to marry off his daughter without any dowry. Besides no dowry advantage, Mayank’s family was highly educated and reputed. What else would a father look for? The marriage was fixed.

Before engagement, Mayankita got a job in a prestigious institution, and she used to commute to work with friends. Mayank did not want her to be seen anywhere with any of her male college friends or colleagues at work. Within the first few months of the marriage being fixed, Mayank’s possessiveness started suffocating Mayankita. Perhaps she realized that her decision was a mistake, but the marriage was already announced. “What will people say”, “family’s prestige”, “mother’s health” etc were in her mind all the time and she could not think of putting her father to any shame. She went ahead for a love marriage in which ‘love’ had already gone missing.

Marriage without love:

Like most working girls, she quit job to relocate with Mayank to a different city and stay with his family. In this marriage and life as a daughter in law of the most well-known family in the town, everything was beautiful except her relationship with her spouse. Difference in value systems continued to be an issue of clash all through. Soon she started missing work and frustration pushed her towards smoking with Mayank. Cigarette became her new friend in this lonely life. She started losing her beautiful voice (she was a very good singer) but she was unable to bear the mounting frustrations. And finally, one fine afternoon, within eight months of her marriage, she gave up and attempted suicide. However, she was hospitalized and survived.

Things deteriorated between the couple with the shame she had brought to the family through her attempted suicide. However, this step made her father-in-law realize her loneliness and he started spending time with her and became her new best friend. Mayankita always talked very high of this new father in her life. He had very easily replaced uncle (Mayankita’s own father) with more love and affection. I would like to talk about this father-daughter (in-law) relationship, but in a separate blog. While things worsened between the couple, father helped her look for a job. Once she got the job, she started to think that if things did not improve in her marriage, she could walk out of the marriage without being a burden on her family back home. Destiny had planned something else for her. Before she got her first salary, she received the news of her father’ demise. She was shattered and there was no looking back. A new beginning full of compromises started and she decided to try and work things out in her marriage.

Just a slap??

On a rainy mid-August morning when Mayankita came back from tour, their argument took shape of a bad fight. Like every time Mayank threatened Mayankita “I would have thrown you out of the house if you didn’t have my father support”. She could not imagine a day of her life without father by her side and in frustration she was about to open the door of her room to go to the father. She used to share her problems with him and he in return would just keep his hands on her head saying, “I am there, don’t worry”. His hands had the energy to heal all her pain. To prevent her from sharing this with the father, Mayank pulled her back, pushed her on bed and hit her hard—four slaps only.

Lines from her letter:

I remember the lines of her letter, “I cannot recall the moment when he hit me exactly. All that I remember is the realization that I was being beaten up, on my knee and my thighs while I was on the bed. I also remember crying loud, banging my head on the wall and the floor that a so-called empowered woman like me was beaten up. These memories come to me in flash and I do not remember the sequence of events anymore. Am I losing my senses? I will share this with father and leave this place forever with his blessings.”

Breaking free wasn’t easy:

The next morning, Mayankita removed all the symbols of marriage (for a Hindu woman—Sindoor, Bindi, Bangles etc). She had become silent and did not speak with anyone about what happened behind the walls in her room. That week, every morning, she put on her lipstick and went to office. None of her colleagues could notice and she also pretended to be normal.

When she got a chance to speak with the father, he, on behalf of Mayank, told her that whatever happened was unfortunate and assured that it would never happen again. For the first time his hands could not heal her. She cried and just said to him that she wanted to leave. He wanted her to take time and then decide. She was already out of the marriage, but she stayed in the house just waiting for the permission from the father to leave. She was sad that she was not able to do anything for happiness of this father whom she loved and respected so much.

Mayankita’s family tried to calm her down. Mayank didn’t want her to leave either and in desperation, he took her to all the people who could counsel her—the psychology professor, the astrologer, the Bhrigu Samhita reader (Bhrigu Samhita claims to contain predictions about current and future lives), the tantric (black magic specialist) etc. Mayank’s friends started visiting to make things right between them. Each of these, professional and personal including Mayankita’s mother, explained, “What has happened once will not happen again”. Nothing worked as she was already out of the relationship. Besides all the wrongs in her marriage, this time, it was the psychological trauma, perhaps from her own inability to hit back or accept that she was beaten by her spouse. She was not able to face herself in the mirror.

For her, the marriage had ended. She was with him, in the same room, for three months, but she was no more his wife. All efforts to heal were useless and staying in the same house for the father was not possible for long as things had started becoming dirty. The day he forced himself on her (marital rape?), she resigned from her job. The resignation made her friends in office realize that things were not fine with her. These friends sat with her during extended lunch hours and beyond office hours to help her talk. Mayankita still feels grateful to these friends and seniors at work who did every possible thing to support her.

In this period, Mayank became more insecure. He could not take the rejection and started accusing her of having extra marital affair. He started calling up her family members and friends putting allegations on her character. She, on the other hand, had become very hard hearted. She had started enjoying seeing him in pain. One day when his pain also didn’t mean anything to her, she asked the father for the permission to leave the house. This last time he understood and allowed her to leave. With his blessing, and the pain of not being able to stay with this father anymore; with the memories of the best man on the earth, she left the house, never to return. They got divorced with mutual consent.

Mayankita used to talk to the father over phone on occasions, especially on his birthdays. She used to miss him, prayed for his wellbeing always. It took her time—several sessions of counselling, and an ISABS workshop—to stop calling and talking to this father and set him free. She has no regrets and it was easy for her to forgive Mayank for the goodness of this father.

Reflections:

‘Just one slap’, turned out to be a life-changing moment for both Amrita and Mayankita. However, while the movie provides scope to reflect on the issues like emotional and psychological effects of that one incident, the unwritten family rules that put the burden of saving the family from disintegration on women, things like ‘what will people say’, and that ‘it happened because he was consumed in anger and frustration’, Mayankita’s story was left open to judgement of each one as they wanted to see and understand. People called her names and looked down upon her and her character.

The only thing that has kept her strong was ‘trust’ of the people of her world—her family and friends. Some of these friends for life have been by her side, believing in her, encouraging her, supporting her in all that she has chosen for herself. One of these friends happens to be her current husband with whom she travels the journey of life successfully. She is a happily married woman now who has no regrets in life. She strongly believes that this journey of hers has made her a stronger and better human being.